Rame's Tips
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How to Act in the Bathroom

Alright, you have entered the bathroom. There is a proper way to act in the bathroom. I call it "Bathroom Etiquette." These are the things you should do when you are in the bathroom.

First: Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Second: Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

Third: Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Fourth: Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

Fifth: Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"

Sixth: Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Seventh: Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

Eighth: Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Ninth: Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Tenth: Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

Eleventh: Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

Twelth: Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

Thirteenth: Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

Fourteenth: Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

Fifteenth: Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

Sixteenth: Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Seventeenth: Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

Eighteenth: Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Nineteenth: Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

Twentieth: Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

WARNING: DO NOT follow my tips. If you do, you're screwed, you hear me, SCREWED.

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