How to Act in the Bathroom
Alright, you have entered the bathroom. There is a proper way to act
in the bathroom. I call it "Bathroom Etiquette." These are the things
you should do when you are in the bathroom.
First: Stick your open palm under the stall wall and
ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
Second: Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips
on that."
Third: Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks
the silence with a bodily function noise.
Fourth: Say, "Damn, this water's cold."
Fifth: Drop a marble and say, "Oh no! My glass eye!"
Sixth: Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
Seventh: Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then
drop a cantelope into the toilet bowl from a height
of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.
Eighth: Say, "Now how did that get there?"
Ninth: Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
Tenth: Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it
erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors
while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"
Eleventh: Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."
Twelth: Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a
wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall
wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you
kick that back over here please?"
Thirteenth: Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."
Fourteenth: Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall
with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy
vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and
splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and
blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.
Fifteenth: Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
Sixteenth: Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small.
Now what am I gonna do?"
Seventeenth: Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on
your butt cheeks.
Eighteenth: Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down
your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor
visible to the adjacent stall.
Nineteenth: Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust
it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
Twentieth: Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and
sing "Born Free".
WARNING: DO NOT follow my tips.
If you do, you're screwed, you hear me, SCREWED.
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